This silence screams in agony every time it arrives, I conjure it up in order to heal in a peaceful place. A place unfamiliar, unkind, foreign, born out of heartbreak. I never seem to land though. Coasting from place to place, heart to heart.  How will I learn to heal from past wounds and new ones all at once. In this silence….I seek peace.

 

 

This room is so thick; it stares at my tears with confusion at what seems like regret. I choose this; I create the pain….never happy, always seeking more….refusing to land.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The child in me begs for the noise, the light… any distraction to the pain, hatred, self loathing, uselessness,
desperation, dark hopelessness.

 

That child cries for a nightlight, a song….anything that will soothe, dilute, numb or mask. Growth is inevitable if she can bear the dark. The depth that the dark silence forces us into is almost Unbearable…. but the worst part is….you will live through this nightmare of transformation still never really seeing a lesson.

 

 

It often comes in your sleep without warning…you awaken with new eyes, a new understanding of why the silence speaks and stares while you cry. The ruin prepares you for the miracle of your new self.

 

Davina Cuellar is a Peer Partner for Mental Health America of Northern California. She was diagnosed in 2000 with depression, anxiety, and OCD. She previously worked in Children’s Mental Health for over 10 years and has adopted a strength based approach when working with individuals and families. She is a W.R.A.P facilitator and believes that her own personal W.R.A.P has changed the way she approaches life. She is fluent in Spanish and enjoys participating in cultural & LGBTQ community events. She is a proud mother of a 22 year old college student & a Pitbull (Chula).